But I'm Not
I smile at people's idea of me
Not because of its accuracy, cause it's far from accurate
But rather, I smile because I wish I am what you think of me
But I'm not, though I wish.
The concept must have started when I laughed at someone's silly joke
It wasn't even that funny, but I laughed
Why did I laugh?
I think I did what I did because it made it easier to pretend than to be what I am.
It must have started there.
You may have seen me smile and make a joke or two.
Out of spite, to pretend all is normal.
I don't fancy myself as a great actress, but I could have fooled me too.
But you see, if only I did fool myself, this could have easier.
But I didn't. Rather it only made it worse.
I could get an award for putting on a show- a show you'll criticize and review with such low percentage not because of my acting, but rather because of the plot.
Nonetheless, I created this idea of me.
The idea that I supposed is really my fault.
The idea that even for one second, I was okay with it all.
Cause in all honesty, I'm not fine. I'm not okay. I'm far from that.
And I hate having to explain why so.
Or to be asked over and over again, lying also over and over again.
But you see, you want me to be okay so that you don't have to ask again.
Or maybe you want me to be okay so that you can get what you want from me.
And maybe that's why I pretend as well.
But I'm not okay.
Not for a minute.
Not for a second.
Not one bit.
I'm just not.